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Its Been Tough

Updated: Sep 4, 2020



How have you been feeling?


For me, it feels like we have been in this new normal for a long time, but, also have just only begun. For a very long time, even probably still, I have neglected to really allow this situation to overwhelm me too much. But man, there are days when everything is just too hard.


In June and most of July, I was in a really dark place and had little to look forward to. Even in May, to be honest, I was really sad about the state of affairs in America and how BIPOC was being treated. But then, shit blew up and another unarmed black man was killed and I was honestly overwhelmed on so many different levels. It was crazy to realize how many people in my life who were completely blind to the biases they held, refused to acknowledge them, and then continued to perpetuate hate. It was hard to watch that happen and it was hard to see how people responded or did not respond.


I openly talked with a few people about depression and suicide and to be honest, I was not met with understanding or compassion from everyone. Friends who were worried listened to me, but, did not know how to respond (not that I am blaming them - it’s not something we are used to talking about or know how to respond to - I’ve been there). But, why not. Just because someone understands why someone would end their life through suicide, doesn’t mean they want that for themselves. I have never understood it until this pandemic. A beautiful person died by suicide recently and for the first time in my life, I finally understood their choice. I’ve never felt that way before and I even have thought very hard about sharing it right now. This isn’t something we necessarily openly discuss. But, how can I say I want to spread awareness when I am censoring my writing and what parts I share of my life that are real.

 

Fortunately for me, I am privileged enough to have awareness from my background to know that I needed to go see my social worker & psychotherapist. She helped me get back on track and understand that what I was feeling and why. For so many, they don’t have that.


Over the course of several months, a lot of things changed for me and people’s actions showed their true colours, despite many stating the opposite. As a creature of habit, it is my nature to observe peoples behaviours and patterns - and believe them. I also try to understand someone’s behaviours as well, but, never excuse them.


As a hyper-sensitive person, both energetically and emotionally, I can feel and know people’s thoughts before people speak words. Whether I like it or not. I can feel someone’s pain, shame, embarrassment, and their struggles and losses. I can feel another lose like it’s my own, that is how sensitive I am. I can feel what is right and what is wrong, without someone having to tell me. It’s draining sometimes. But, it is my inner guide and the connection to my soul’s purpose.


When I ignore what's right and try to give the benefit of the doubt for longer than necessary, I start to feel it. I get sick or tired.


I see people for who they are and give more chances then people deserve. But, I am learning boundaries and learning to stand tall in my convictions


 

A few other practices that have helped me during these uncertain times:


I am trying to stay active and consistent with my physical fitness - Find a buddy that has similar goals and interests that you do and try to get outside in the fresh air together


Find a hobby that you enjoy and do it - For me, its yoga and reading


Rest - Actually take time off - even though our schedules are different, we still need - and deserve - downtime to rest, relax, & rejuvenate


Meditate - Its not easy for everyone, but, it can be quiet beneficial to learn a practice of slowing down and consciously breathing and making time for calmness


Educate - If you are passionate about a topic or issue(s), get involved by reading articles and books about the subject. Start conversations, ask questions of motives, behaviours and thought patterns. Be the change


Let it go - Don’t hold on to anger. It’s toxic and will steal all your happiness and fun for you - that’s why I do so much yoga, meditating, reiki, and sound baths. To let go of all the anger I have. Earned or not. I need to let it all go. We all do.


Reach out when you need some support - not everyone knows what your might be going through

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